Why was He or She Unfaithful?

Infidelity has no rival as the greatest destroyer of romantic relationships, both of courtships and marriages.  Both men and women see being faithful as the most important contribution to a romantic relationship.  Despite that, 70% of college students report some kind of physical or emotional infidelity in their relationships, and that figure rises to 90% if you include flirting with another partner as a form of emotional infidelity.[1]  Reactions to infidelity are almost invariably negative.  The faithful partner perceives sexual infidelity as a severe act of betrayal.  Whether men or women.

In courtships among college-age persons, 2 out of 3 men, and 1 in 2 women engage in kissing and fondling with another person, and 1 in 2 men, and 1 in 3 women, have sex outside of their primary relationship.[2]

Why and how does infidelity happen?

The availability of alternatives, and the attention paid to those alternatives, may be the one most frequent reasons to enter unfaithful behavior.  That is why those in committed relationships have to be blind.

Both men and women are more likely to cheat with highly attractive alternative partners.  However, women are prone to change partners if he is attractive and has a high socioeconomic status.  Men, if she is attractive, has moderate socioeconomic status and earns less money than he earns.[3]

Among married persons in the US, 25% of men and 15% of women have been unfaithful, but women are more likely to fall in love with the secondary partner.  Women are more likely to be unfaithful in marriage if they cohabited before marriage.  Marital infidelity is significantly higher in people who started having sex at an early age, who have had more than one sexual partner in their lifetime, and who have had a high number of premarital sex partners.  Divorced and separated persons are also more likely to engage in infidelity.

Infidelity usually happens in a reference group where the behavior is accepted.  Those who have sex outside of their primary relationship often have friends who do the same.  Unfaithful women know other women who have been involved in infidelity.  That is the law of peer group association at work.  People acquire friends whose sexual behavior is the same as themselves.  Sexually active teens eventually acquire sexually active friends.[4]  Having a reference group that supports infidelity and devalues fidelity facilitate unfaithful behavior.

People seeking to have secondary relationships might choose socioeconomically dissimilar partners that are far from their social group in order to reduce the likelihood of discovery.

The unfaithful partner most likely has desire for freedom and autonomy, desire for sexual variety, liberal attitudes, negative communication, aggression and less commitment to the relationship.  In courtships, they also have absence of plans to marry and an intention to eventually break up the primary relationship.  People who have problems with alcohol are more likely to be unfaithful,[5] as those that smoke marijuana.  Smoking marijuana is highly correlated to unfaithful behavior.

Unfaithful relationships are generally short and secret, only 25% last more than two years, and rarely become marriages.  Most married men never divorce their wives to marry their secondary partner.  Overall, eventually, and despite the secrecy, the faithful partner discovers the infidelity.

Premarital sex relates to marital infidelity.  Premarital Infidelity relates to marital infidelity.  If a partner has already been unfaithful, it is more likely that he or she be unfaithful again.

Both sexual and emotional infidelity lead to break ups, and more so in relationships with high satisfaction, despite being good and despite being long.  Infidelity can be devastating to a relationship – 75% of relationships dissolve within 3 months of a discovered infidelity.  Emotional infidelity is when, despite not having sex, an emotional connection develops with a secondary partner that threatens the privacy of an exclusive relationship, or an emotional connection that goes beyond friendship.

While people use the internet to find romantic partners, only 3% of marriages report having met this way.  However, online contacts are increasing, and can be a source for infidelity.  One study estimated that 94% of people involved in multiuser online games report forming some kind of personal relationship with someone they met in the game, and 1 in 4 of such cases, persons described that relationship as “romantic”.

Those who view pornography are more likely to cheat and to have sex with a friend.  Also to have anal sex.  One study found that any unfaithful person is 3 times more likely to have seen pornography on the Internet.  The use of pornography predicts infidelity.

The probability of infidelity is equal in courtships than in cohabitations.  Living together without getting married does not reduce the likelihood of infidelity.  It is only lower in marriage.  The more committed and dedicated to their relationship people are, the less chances of involving in infidelity.

In conclusion, infidelity happens way more in long relationships (over 2 years dating), in cohabitation’s, in people that smoke marijuana, in people the drink to much, in people the see pornography, in sexually active dating couples and in people whose friends are involved in infidelity.  Take away those practices and the probability of infidelity reduces, a lot.

 

[1] Richard D. McAnulty, Jocelyn M. Brineman, Infidelity in Dating Relationships, 2007.

[2] Women are more likely to be unfaithful if they are older, if they live in urban areas and if they have more education than their formal partner.

[3] When women seek a long-term relationship they give more importance to status and purchasing power of the partner. Greitemeyer, Tobias; Hengmith, Simone; Fischer, Peter; Sex Differences in the Willingness to Betray and Switch Romantic Partners, Swiss Journal of Psychology, 2005.

[4] The effect of association is strong even if a person does not feels it is.  For example, it has been determined that a young virgin who maintains a friendship with a non-virgin is 500% to 1,100% more likely to start having sex in the next two years compared to a teenager who does not maintain such friendship. See Billy.

[5] Fun Fact: Beauty is In the Eye of the Beer Holder: People Who Think They are Drunk Also Think They Are Attractive, study conducted by Lauren Begue, Brad J. Bushman, Oulmann Zerhouni, Baptste Subra and Medhi Ourabah, British Journal of Pshychology, 2012.

Article by Frederick Norman Tate, Author, “Why Romantic Love Dies… Or Thrives”